Stop Punishing, Start Praising

Last week, I told you about the 10 steps for giving effective directions when dealing with difficult behaviors in children with autism.  The key to success with those steps is ignoring bad behavior and praising good behavior.

When is the last time you punished your child?  Gave him a timeout, took away a favorite toy, or lost your patience and yelled?  This was the almost daily struggle in our house- I would ask my 11-year-old son Nathan to do something (get dressed, brush his teeth, come to dinner, go to church- basically anything!), Nathan would yell and scream no, sometimes he would hit me or curse at me.  Then I would get upset, send him to his room and take away his iPad, computer or video games.  But on the occasions when he would listen I wouldn't praise him- I was basically ignoring the good behavior.

Instead of punishing bad behavior,
give your child a high-five when he does something right!

I was doing it all wrong.  During my recent research on how to help Nathan I took a Parent Management Training class.  Believe it or not, I should have been ignoring the bad behavior and praising the good.

Here's an example of what I should be doing.  When I say, "Nathan, please come to the table, it's time for dinner," if he starts yelling at me, I should remain neutral.  Don't yell, don't threaten.  Just wait.  About a minute later again I should say, "Nathan, please come to the table.  It's time for dinner." If he continues to yell or if he curses, I do nothing.  I just gently guide him to the table.  I don't say anything.  I make sure my face is neutral.  But, if instead of arguing with me about coming to the table he actually does it, I would praise him, "Wow, Nathan!  You came to the table when I asked!  That's awesome!"

Give him a thumbs up!

Or if he does something really great,
give 2 thumbs up!

The first time I ignored the yelling, Nathan stopped in the middle, got right in my face and said, "What?" He was waiting for my reaction, he wanted it.  I can't say this worked right away or all the time, in fact his behavior got worse at first.  But as time went on, Nathan's behavior got much better.

So how do you praise your child?  (At Nathan's summer camp - Our Victory Day Camp - they call it being "caught doing something good")  Every time you see your child doing the right thing- praise him.  When you praise make sure you do the following:

1. Deliver praise close to your child.  Like I said when I talked about the keys to giving directions, make sure you're close to your child and that you have his attention.  If you're in another room or even on the other side of the room he can't see your excitement and may not even know you're praising him.
2. Give praise immediately.  As soon as your child follows your instruction, praise him!  Don't wait for later.
3. Use a sincere, enthusiastic tone of voice.  You don't need to be loud, but make sure you sound excited.
4. Use nonverbal reinforcers.  Give your child a high five, a thumbs up, a pat on the back, a wink or some other indication that you're excited.  And make sure you smile- he followed your directions, that's a big deal!
5. Be specific.  This was the hardest one for me.  Tell your child EXACTLY what he did to make you happy.  I realized I usually say something like, "Good boy" or "Great job" or "You did it" but none of those tell him WHAT he did. And I realized, he didn't understand WHY I was excited.  So, say something like, "Wow! Thank you so much for picking up your shoes and putting them in the closet! (high five)"

Make sure you smile while you praise!
(This is Nathan's idea of smiling for a picture!)

This type of praise should happen EVERY TIME!  So I know what you're thinking, I'm going to be praising him all the time.  Yes, hopefully you will.  That's the goal!  Isn't that better than yelling or fighting all the time?  If you're consistent, it will help.

After we were consistently praising good behaviors we started targeting specific things we wanted from Nathan- getting ready for school in the morning was a big one.  Coming up next week, how we went beyond praising to rewarding to really change Nathan's behavior.