Reward the Behavior You Want

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been sharing some valuable information I've learned about how to help my 11-year-old son with autism deal with some challenging behaviors.

First, I told you about giving effective directions, then I told you what happened when we stopped punishing bad behavior and started praising good behavior.  Now, let's take praise a step further to rewarding.  We set up a reward system for Nathan to help motivate him to get things done- like homework and getting ready for school.

This is a sample reward chart some other parents
in my class used.  It breaks down behaviors/tasks into
easy understand steps

A reward can be small or big.  He can get it right away, or save up points (or checks or stickers) for a bigger prize later.  A lot of therapists and teachers have tried reward charts with Nathan before, but he doesn't really care about most prizes, so they haven't worked well.  I set up a system where he could earn his favorite things- either the computer or video games.  Instead of just giving him the computer and video games, and taking them away if he had an outburst, he would earn minutes on the computer for doing things he has to do anyway. Some activities would be worth 5 minutes, some 10, and some 15!  We also agreed to some larger prizes that he could work towards- family movie night, a trip to the zoo, a visit to the library.

This is Nathan's reward chart.  We reward him for just
about everything he has to do during the day.

You can decide what will motivate your child.  Some kids love a grab bag or prize box filled with little toys and games.  Nathan has never been motivated by this- many teachers and even doctors offices have them, but he just doesn't care enough!  Some kids love candy, so a couple M&M's could be a good reward.

Once you decide what behaviors you want to work on, then you need to talk to your child about the chart.  Choose a calm day and place to explain the new point chart.  Start by talking to your child about the rewards he will be able to earn. Ask if he has any suggestions for other prizes.  Go through the chart and explain how many points he can earn for each behavior and how he can get some prizes immediately or save up for a bigger prize!  Be enthusiastic!  Rewards and prizes are fun!  Next practice the behavior with your child.  Model what you want him to do, then have him do it.  He even earns rewards for practicing!  Don't just practice once, practice again and again to get him used to the system and to help him earn rewards faster!

Now, you're ready to get started!  Good luck, you can do this.  It's not easy, but in the long run it will be worth it.

Stop Punishing, Start Praising

Last week, I told you about the 10 steps for giving effective directions when dealing with difficult behaviors in children with autism.  The key to success with those steps is ignoring bad behavior and praising good behavior.

When is the last time you punished your child?  Gave him a timeout, took away a favorite toy, or lost your patience and yelled?  This was the almost daily struggle in our house- I would ask my 11-year-old son Nathan to do something (get dressed, brush his teeth, come to dinner, go to church- basically anything!), Nathan would yell and scream no, sometimes he would hit me or curse at me.  Then I would get upset, send him to his room and take away his iPad, computer or video games.  But on the occasions when he would listen I wouldn't praise him- I was basically ignoring the good behavior.

Instead of punishing bad behavior,
give your child a high-five when he does something right!

I was doing it all wrong.  During my recent research on how to help Nathan I took a Parent Management Training class.  Believe it or not, I should have been ignoring the bad behavior and praising the good.

Here's an example of what I should be doing.  When I say, "Nathan, please come to the table, it's time for dinner," if he starts yelling at me, I should remain neutral.  Don't yell, don't threaten.  Just wait.  About a minute later again I should say, "Nathan, please come to the table.  It's time for dinner." If he continues to yell or if he curses, I do nothing.  I just gently guide him to the table.  I don't say anything.  I make sure my face is neutral.  But, if instead of arguing with me about coming to the table he actually does it, I would praise him, "Wow, Nathan!  You came to the table when I asked!  That's awesome!"

Give him a thumbs up!

Or if he does something really great,
give 2 thumbs up!

The first time I ignored the yelling, Nathan stopped in the middle, got right in my face and said, "What?" He was waiting for my reaction, he wanted it.  I can't say this worked right away or all the time, in fact his behavior got worse at first.  But as time went on, Nathan's behavior got much better.

So how do you praise your child?  (At Nathan's summer camp - Our Victory Day Camp - they call it being "caught doing something good")  Every time you see your child doing the right thing- praise him.  When you praise make sure you do the following:

1. Deliver praise close to your child.  Like I said when I talked about the keys to giving directions, make sure you're close to your child and that you have his attention.  If you're in another room or even on the other side of the room he can't see your excitement and may not even know you're praising him.
2. Give praise immediately.  As soon as your child follows your instruction, praise him!  Don't wait for later.
3. Use a sincere, enthusiastic tone of voice.  You don't need to be loud, but make sure you sound excited.
4. Use nonverbal reinforcers.  Give your child a high five, a thumbs up, a pat on the back, a wink or some other indication that you're excited.  And make sure you smile- he followed your directions, that's a big deal!
5. Be specific.  This was the hardest one for me.  Tell your child EXACTLY what he did to make you happy.  I realized I usually say something like, "Good boy" or "Great job" or "You did it" but none of those tell him WHAT he did. And I realized, he didn't understand WHY I was excited.  So, say something like, "Wow! Thank you so much for picking up your shoes and putting them in the closet! (high five)"

Make sure you smile while you praise!
(This is Nathan's idea of smiling for a picture!)

This type of praise should happen EVERY TIME!  So I know what you're thinking, I'm going to be praising him all the time.  Yes, hopefully you will.  That's the goal!  Isn't that better than yelling or fighting all the time?  If you're consistent, it will help.

After we were consistently praising good behaviors we started targeting specific things we wanted from Nathan- getting ready for school in the morning was a big one.  Coming up next week, how we went beyond praising to rewarding to really change Nathan's behavior.

Hard Work Pays Off!

Over the last month Nathan, and the rest of our family, has learned a valuable lesson. Hard work truly pays off.  At the beginning of the school year, Nathan was having a hard time, he was having a lot of meltdowns, cursing, and yelling out in class.

After a month of hard work by Nathan and
us, Nathan's fort is finally finished!

Nathan has a dream of one day becoming an architect and building a tree house for him to live in.  This is actually more than a dream, it's an obsession!  So, one of Nathan's therapists recommended building a smaller tree house or fort in the backyard as a reward for good behavior.  Nathan has been working really hard, trying to making good choices and control his temper in school and at home.  If he did well during the week, on the weekend we would work on building it.  Jason, my dad and I started working on it a month ago.  It was still warm out.  This weekend, four weeks after we started, wearing hats, coats and gloves, we finally finished (well, finished construction, we still need to finish working on the base and building up the ground around it).  Nathan is so excited.  Actually, I haven't seen him this excited about something that wasn't a computer, video game or Spongebob Squarepants in a long time.

The best part is, even though we've finished building, we can still use it as a reward.  One of Nathan's favorite things to do is to swing.  His occupational therapist says it helps calm him.  So we can use the swing and the fort as an ongoing reward.  If he makes good choices at school, he will be allowed to swing when he gets home.  He will be allowed to climb his rock wall.  He will be allowed to go down his slide.

Rewards can be anything or anywhere.  Think about what your child is really passionate about and use it!