I Need to Change Before I Can Change My Son

I have been incredibly preoccupied lately.  We've been struggling with some challenging behaviors with Nathan, our 11-year-old son with autism.  What are challenging behaviors?  They're different for every child- but for us it includes yelling, hitting and cursing when we ask Nathan to do something he doesn't want to do or if we change his schedule without warning.

For the last six months, Nathan has been seeing a behavioral psychologist at Westchester Institute for Human Development.  Also, since February, I have been taking a parent management training class for parents of children with autism at Westchester Jewish Community Services.  I've also read several books, including, "The Loving Push" by Debra Moore Ph.D. and Temple Grandin Ph.D. and "No More Meltdowns" by Jed Baker.

I've been doing all of this hoping to find some miracle to "fix" Nathan's behavior, but instead I ended up learning an important lesson- I need to change, before I can expect him to change.  Parenting isn't usually rocket science- you tell a child to do something and hopefully (maybe after asking a few times) the child will do it.  But how do you give those directions?  For a child with autism, you have to really think before you speak.

Over the last few months, I've learned the 10 steps to giving effective directions.  Hopefully you can learn something from them too.  (Oh, and I'm going to let you in on a little secret- these work for kids who don't have autism- and husbands too!)

1. Directions should be direct and not in question form.  I realized that I often ask Nathan to do something, instead of telling him to do something.  "Nathan, do you want to come to dinner?" "Nathan, why don't you brush your teeth?" "Nathan, can you put your shoes in the closet?" So, what was  happening when I asked these questions, I would get a "NO!" If I ask him a question, it gives him the option, it implies that he has a choice.  So, instead, I am now saying, "Nathan, please come to dinner", "Nathan, please brush your teeth", "Nathan, please put your shoes in the closet".  By telling, and not asking, I am not giving him the option to say no.  So easy, right?!?!

2. Directions should be stated positively.  This one wasn't so easy for me.  We're always telling your kids what NOT to do.  "Don't run", "Stop flapping", "Don't put your feet on the table".  The problem with this is that sometimes, kids don't automatically know what we want them to do instead. It's not as obvious to them as it may be to us.  So instead of using a negative to correct your child, use a positive opposite instead.  "Please walk." "Please keep your hands calm and in your lap." "Please put your feet on the floor." This way the children are not trying to figure out what we want from them.  It leads to less frustration.

3. Directions should be given only once you have the child's attention.  We're all distracted these days.  We all have a million things going on, even our kids.  So before I start giving him directions, I will say, "Nathan, look at me." This way I know he's paying attention to me.  I realized that before I would ask him to do something 5 or 6 times, but he never even heard me, because he wasn't even paying attention!

4. Directions should be given only when you're close to the child.  This one goes hand-in-hand with #3.  I often would yell from the kitchen, and tell the kids to come to the breakfast or dinner table.  Guess what happens- no one came!  So instead, now I will walk to where Nathan is and tell him to look at me (remember #3, get his attention) and say, "It's time for dinner, please come to the table." It works.  So before you tell your child to do something make sure you're close to him.

5. Directions should be given one at a time.  This one was actually not a new one for me.  We've been working on trying to get Nathan to follow multi-step directions for years.  He just can't do it.  It's overwhelming.  If I told him, "Nathan, go to your room, put on your pajamas and get into bed", it would never happen.  He might go to his room and sit on his bed, but he will forget the other steps.  Also, putting on your pajamas is a multi-step direction on it's own, right?  Think about everything involved in putting on your pajamas- you need to take off your shirt, take off your pants, take off your socks, put them all in the hamper, open the drawer, take out a pair of pajamas, put on the pajama shirt, and put on the pajama pants.  That's a lot!  No wonder it's so hard to do!  So instead, give one direction at a time.  "Nathan, it's time to go to bed, please go upstairs." Once he's upstairs, I talk him through the other directions.  (I have to say, this has really worked.  This week, Nathan got completely ready for school by himself one morning- he went upstairs, got dressed, brushed his hair, brushed his teeth and made his own cereal.  This is huge!)

6. Directions should be specific.  When is the last time you told your child to "Be good," or "make good choices" or even "pick up your toys." All the time, right?  But what do any of those directions mean?  Instead of saying be good or make good choices- tell your child specifically what you want them to DO.  Use kind words, keep your hands to yourself, use an inside voice.  Another mom in my parent management training class said she told her son to pick up his toys in his room.  When she went into the bedroom a little while later, all the toys were on his bed- but not in the toy box.  He did pick them up off the floor, but he didn't know what to do with them once he picked them up, so he just put them on the bed.  The next time she told him to put his toys in the toy box, and he did it!

7. Directions should be age and developmentally appropriate.  You can't tell a child to tie his shoes if he doesn't know how.  Or to draw a hexagon if he's just learning what a square is.  Make sure your child is able to physically and cognitively able do what you're asking him to do.  It will just make everyone's life easier.

8. Directions should be given politely and in a quiet toned voice.  You may have noticed, I've written the word "please" a lot.  That's because even though I'm not asking Nathan to do something, I still need to be nice about it.  This also models good manners and teaches the child to obey polite directions instead of needing to yell.  So I'll no longer say something like, "Get your dirty feet off the table, that's gross! (in an angry tone)".  I can just as easily say, "Please take your feet off the table (in a calm, neutral voice)." Then say thank you when he does it!

9. Directions should be explained before they are given or after they are obeyed.  This is a tough one.  Your child is going to challenge you and your authority.  So when you say, "Please put your blocks away." He's going to say, "Why?" or "I don't want to."  Don't engage, this will lead to an argument.  Ignore his response and wait.  If your child doesn't follow the instruction after a minute or so, repeat it.  It's so easy to engage and say something like, "Because I said so", or "Because I'm the parent" or "Just do it!".  But does this ever work?  Not in my experience.  Then later, in a calm, quiet moment, you can talk to your child about why you told him to put his blocks away.

10.  Only give a direction twice, more than two times and it becomes nagging.  Okay, this was the hardest one for me, but believe me, in the long run it's worth it.  If your tell your child to do something and he doesn't do it, tell him again about a minute or so later (you need to give him enough time to process what you're tell him to do). After you repeat the direction, give him another minute or so and if he still doesn't do it, do it yourself.  But don't make a big deal about it.  Don't say, "Look, you didn't get dressed, so now I have to dress you myself."  Don't even talk or make eye contact with the child.  This will really be a shock to their system!  One morning before school, when I told Nathan to get off the computer to get ready for school, he didn't.  I asked him again.  He still didn't get off the computer.  So I went over, turned the computer off, and gently guided him up the stairs and to his room, took off his pajamas and put clean clothes on him.  At first he was yelling and trying to hit me.  But when I didn't engage with him, he was so thrown off.  I wouldn't talk or make eye contact.  He didn't know what to do.  After he was dressed, he apologized and followed my instructions for the rest of the morning.

Those are the 10 steps!  Remember, to not use the following words:  NO, STOP, DON'T, QUIT IT.  You can use these words in an emergency.  For example, if your child is running toward a road, of course, yell "STOP!"

This video is from February, shortly after I

started taking parent management classes and

a few months after Nathan started seeing a

behavioral psychologist.  I had just told him

to turn off the computer.  Usually he would curse

at me and hit me.  You can see how hard he

is working to control his anger and his

surprise when I praise him for not cursing.

I didn't do everything correctly, but 

you can see the difference already.

(At the end is a little video of our other son,

Drew playing piano, not sure how that got there!)

So my husband, Jason, and I have been working really hard to change ourselves and be better parents to Nathan.  I can't say he ALWAYS listens or that we always follow the rules correctly (we're all human!), but things have gotten so much better in the Cook household.  There are very few meltdowns, I can't remember the last time Nathan cursed, and he never hits us anymore.  There is still whining.  But it only lasts a few seconds, or he'll whine while he's following my directions!  This is progress!

In step 10, I talked about ignoring.  Coming up in my next blog post, I'll talk about planned ignoring and praise.  What it is, how it works, and how it's helped in our family.