It's Not About the Milestones, It's About the Moment!

We all wish for the best for our children and our children's futures. I do. But I also worry about Nathan's future. I don't know what tomorrow or the next 10, 20, 30 years will bring. 

I try not to think about it too much but sometimes the uncertainty just smacks me in the face. Usually it's when someone tries to tell me what to expect as my kids get older. Yesterday, a good friend was telling me about the teenage years. He said right now my kids want to spend time with me, but that's going to all change over the next few years. He said then when they get their licenses they'll be gone all the time and when they turn 18 and leave the house for college (or whatever), all I can do is hope that everything we taught them has sunk in and they make good choices.  

Of course, my friend didn't mean to bring up any fears inside of me. All I could do was sit there nodding with a lump building in my throat. I don't know if Nathan will ever get a license. I don't know if he'll ever move out and be able to live independently. I hope he does all these amazing things, but I honestly don't know. 

This happens often actually. I'll never forget when Drew was 3 and Nathan was 5, I was talking to two other moms. One was telling us she was concerned that her 3 year old was having trouble potty training. The other mom said, "Don't worry about it, it's not like he's going to go to kindergarten wearing diapers."  They both laughed, I didn't.  Nathan actually did go to kindergarten wearing diapers.  

Several months ago, in an editorial meeting at work someone pitched a story that young kids are spending so much time on computers, iPads, and video games that they're not learning to do things like how to tie their shoes until after they start school. Someone in the meeting asked me when my kids learned to tie their shoes. I said Drew learned when he was 4. I didn't mention that Nathan still can't tie his shoes. 

Usually when someone is talking about "normal" milestones and when kids reach them, I talk about Drew and when he did something.  I usually don't compare Nathan to other kids.  Why?  Well there are a couple of reasons.  First, it's for the other person's comfort. These people all know I have a child with autism. They don't mean any harm by what they're saying and if I say, Nathan may not do those things, Nathan wore diapers to kindergarten or Nathan can't tie his shoes, the other person will feel uncomfortable and then say they're sorry. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us.  Also, I do it for Nathan, because I don't think it's fair to compare him to "normal" development milestones.

I'm sure there are other parents who have experienced the same or similar things.  It's not always easy in the moment, but try not to take it personally.  And don't compare your child to other kids, compare where he is today with where he was yesterday, or last year, or five years ago.  When I do that, I'm amazed by what Nathan can do!