I Need to Change Before I Can Change My Son

I have been incredibly preoccupied lately.  We've been struggling with some challenging behaviors with Nathan, our 11-year-old son with autism.  What are challenging behaviors?  They're different for every child- but for us it includes yelling, hitting and cursing when we ask Nathan to do something he doesn't want to do or if we change his schedule without warning.

For the last six months, Nathan has been seeing a behavioral psychologist at Westchester Institute for Human Development.  Also, since February, I have been taking a parent management training class for parents of children with autism at Westchester Jewish Community Services.  I've also read several books, including, "The Loving Push" by Debra Moore Ph.D. and Temple Grandin Ph.D. and "No More Meltdowns" by Jed Baker.

I've been doing all of this hoping to find some miracle to "fix" Nathan's behavior, but instead I ended up learning an important lesson- I need to change, before I can expect him to change.  Parenting isn't usually rocket science- you tell a child to do something and hopefully (maybe after asking a few times) the child will do it.  But how do you give those directions?  For a child with autism, you have to really think before you speak.

Over the last few months, I've learned the 10 steps to giving effective directions.  Hopefully you can learn something from them too.  (Oh, and I'm going to let you in on a little secret- these work for kids who don't have autism- and husbands too!)

1. Directions should be direct and not in question form.  I realized that I often ask Nathan to do something, instead of telling him to do something.  "Nathan, do you want to come to dinner?" "Nathan, why don't you brush your teeth?" "Nathan, can you put your shoes in the closet?" So, what was  happening when I asked these questions, I would get a "NO!" If I ask him a question, it gives him the option, it implies that he has a choice.  So, instead, I am now saying, "Nathan, please come to dinner", "Nathan, please brush your teeth", "Nathan, please put your shoes in the closet".  By telling, and not asking, I am not giving him the option to say no.  So easy, right?!?!

2. Directions should be stated positively.  This one wasn't so easy for me.  We're always telling your kids what NOT to do.  "Don't run", "Stop flapping", "Don't put your feet on the table".  The problem with this is that sometimes, kids don't automatically know what we want them to do instead. It's not as obvious to them as it may be to us.  So instead of using a negative to correct your child, use a positive opposite instead.  "Please walk." "Please keep your hands calm and in your lap." "Please put your feet on the floor." This way the children are not trying to figure out what we want from them.  It leads to less frustration.

3. Directions should be given only once you have the child's attention.  We're all distracted these days.  We all have a million things going on, even our kids.  So before I start giving him directions, I will say, "Nathan, look at me." This way I know he's paying attention to me.  I realized that before I would ask him to do something 5 or 6 times, but he never even heard me, because he wasn't even paying attention!

4. Directions should be given only when you're close to the child.  This one goes hand-in-hand with #3.  I often would yell from the kitchen, and tell the kids to come to the breakfast or dinner table.  Guess what happens- no one came!  So instead, now I will walk to where Nathan is and tell him to look at me (remember #3, get his attention) and say, "It's time for dinner, please come to the table." It works.  So before you tell your child to do something make sure you're close to him.

5. Directions should be given one at a time.  This one was actually not a new one for me.  We've been working on trying to get Nathan to follow multi-step directions for years.  He just can't do it.  It's overwhelming.  If I told him, "Nathan, go to your room, put on your pajamas and get into bed", it would never happen.  He might go to his room and sit on his bed, but he will forget the other steps.  Also, putting on your pajamas is a multi-step direction on it's own, right?  Think about everything involved in putting on your pajamas- you need to take off your shirt, take off your pants, take off your socks, put them all in the hamper, open the drawer, take out a pair of pajamas, put on the pajama shirt, and put on the pajama pants.  That's a lot!  No wonder it's so hard to do!  So instead, give one direction at a time.  "Nathan, it's time to go to bed, please go upstairs." Once he's upstairs, I talk him through the other directions.  (I have to say, this has really worked.  This week, Nathan got completely ready for school by himself one morning- he went upstairs, got dressed, brushed his hair, brushed his teeth and made his own cereal.  This is huge!)

6. Directions should be specific.  When is the last time you told your child to "Be good," or "make good choices" or even "pick up your toys." All the time, right?  But what do any of those directions mean?  Instead of saying be good or make good choices- tell your child specifically what you want them to DO.  Use kind words, keep your hands to yourself, use an inside voice.  Another mom in my parent management training class said she told her son to pick up his toys in his room.  When she went into the bedroom a little while later, all the toys were on his bed- but not in the toy box.  He did pick them up off the floor, but he didn't know what to do with them once he picked them up, so he just put them on the bed.  The next time she told him to put his toys in the toy box, and he did it!

7. Directions should be age and developmentally appropriate.  You can't tell a child to tie his shoes if he doesn't know how.  Or to draw a hexagon if he's just learning what a square is.  Make sure your child is able to physically and cognitively able do what you're asking him to do.  It will just make everyone's life easier.

8. Directions should be given politely and in a quiet toned voice.  You may have noticed, I've written the word "please" a lot.  That's because even though I'm not asking Nathan to do something, I still need to be nice about it.  This also models good manners and teaches the child to obey polite directions instead of needing to yell.  So I'll no longer say something like, "Get your dirty feet off the table, that's gross! (in an angry tone)".  I can just as easily say, "Please take your feet off the table (in a calm, neutral voice)." Then say thank you when he does it!

9. Directions should be explained before they are given or after they are obeyed.  This is a tough one.  Your child is going to challenge you and your authority.  So when you say, "Please put your blocks away." He's going to say, "Why?" or "I don't want to."  Don't engage, this will lead to an argument.  Ignore his response and wait.  If your child doesn't follow the instruction after a minute or so, repeat it.  It's so easy to engage and say something like, "Because I said so", or "Because I'm the parent" or "Just do it!".  But does this ever work?  Not in my experience.  Then later, in a calm, quiet moment, you can talk to your child about why you told him to put his blocks away.

10.  Only give a direction twice, more than two times and it becomes nagging.  Okay, this was the hardest one for me, but believe me, in the long run it's worth it.  If your tell your child to do something and he doesn't do it, tell him again about a minute or so later (you need to give him enough time to process what you're tell him to do). After you repeat the direction, give him another minute or so and if he still doesn't do it, do it yourself.  But don't make a big deal about it.  Don't say, "Look, you didn't get dressed, so now I have to dress you myself."  Don't even talk or make eye contact with the child.  This will really be a shock to their system!  One morning before school, when I told Nathan to get off the computer to get ready for school, he didn't.  I asked him again.  He still didn't get off the computer.  So I went over, turned the computer off, and gently guided him up the stairs and to his room, took off his pajamas and put clean clothes on him.  At first he was yelling and trying to hit me.  But when I didn't engage with him, he was so thrown off.  I wouldn't talk or make eye contact.  He didn't know what to do.  After he was dressed, he apologized and followed my instructions for the rest of the morning.

Those are the 10 steps!  Remember, to not use the following words:  NO, STOP, DON'T, QUIT IT.  You can use these words in an emergency.  For example, if your child is running toward a road, of course, yell "STOP!"

This video is from February, shortly after I

started taking parent management classes and

a few months after Nathan started seeing a

behavioral psychologist.  I had just told him

to turn off the computer.  Usually he would curse

at me and hit me.  You can see how hard he

is working to control his anger and his

surprise when I praise him for not cursing.

I didn't do everything correctly, but 

you can see the difference already.

(At the end is a little video of our other son,

Drew playing piano, not sure how that got there!)

So my husband, Jason, and I have been working really hard to change ourselves and be better parents to Nathan.  I can't say he ALWAYS listens or that we always follow the rules correctly (we're all human!), but things have gotten so much better in the Cook household.  There are very few meltdowns, I can't remember the last time Nathan cursed, and he never hits us anymore.  There is still whining.  But it only lasts a few seconds, or he'll whine while he's following my directions!  This is progress!

In step 10, I talked about ignoring.  Coming up in my next blog post, I'll talk about planned ignoring and praise.  What it is, how it works, and how it's helped in our family.

April Showers Bring May Meetings

Spring, brings so much promise.  The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing and summer is just around the corner!  But, for parents of school aged, special needs kids it's also a time a major stress.  Some time between March and June parents get a letter in the mail saying it's time another meeting with the Committee on Special Education (CSE).

This was Nathan on the first day of 5th grade,
now we're planning out what his 6th grade program will look like.

During this meeting, parents, teachers, therapists, school psychologists, and administrators discuss the child's program for the following year (sometimes children also take part in the meeting and advocate for their own education!).  Should he be in a regular classroom setting, an integrated classroom, or in a small self-contained class?  Should he stay in district or be sent to an outside school?  What therapies does the child need and how often?  What goals will he, his teachers and therapists be striving for?  At the end of the meeting, if everyone agrees, you will come up with his Individualized Education Program (IEP).

I'm not going to lie, I hate this time of year.  I actually can't even say which is more stressful- the CSE meeting or the start of a new school year.  But, I also am lucky because Nathan has been in the same school district since kindergarten and our district has always been amazing to him.  We have never asked for something and been denied.  But we're also realistic.  We know that when we ask for something there has to be a reason for it.  We also have to weigh which is more important- adding a new therapy (thus pulling him out of class more often and losing instruction time) or keeping him in class and figuring out another way to get him the help he needs.  Prior to moving to our current district, we lived in 2 other school districts.  Every meeting was contentious, I felt like money was more important than Nathan, and I left every meeting in tears.  Unfortunately, this is common for many parents and many school districts.

Look at all that paperwork!
Nathan's IEP is right on top- for easy access.
That is all related to Nathan and his autism.
(I know, I need to get organized!)

So, if we work so well with the school district, why are these meetings still stressful?  Because it's hard to read the future.  I don't know what Nathan is going to need tomorrow, much less next fall.  Also, every new school year and grade brings new challenges and expectations.  Next year, Nathan starts 6th grade.  In most districts, he would be heading to middle school.  In our district, sixth graders go to the elementary school.  But they still change classes and have multiple teachers.  This is a huge challenge for Nathan.  Getting used to 1 teacher usually takes him about 6 weeks at the beginning of the year.  I've really been worried about how Nathan will handle it.  We considered moving him out of the school district.  We met with advocates who gave us information about outside programs but I didn't find anything that seemed like a good match.

Finally, I came up with an idea!  I spoke with his teachers and officials at the school and asked if we could do a "test run" and see how Nathan would do switching classes.  For several weeks, Nathan went into a class with typical kids for science, then did the same thing for social studies.  His aide went with him.  Amazingly, Nathan did well.  After this test, we all agreed that next year, Nathan will be able to stay in a self contained class for math and English language arts, then switch for science and social studies.

I'm excited and looking forward to this challenge for him, but I'm also a nervous wreck!  What if he can't handle it?  What if the teachers don't have the patience for a child with autism in their classes?  What if no one reads his IEP?  What if he gets bullied and teased by the "typical" kids for being different?  There are tons of what ifs!  I want to protect him and keep him as my little boy forever, but I can't.  I have to challenge him.  I have to push him.  I have to make sure the school continues to push him and challenge him too.  That doesn't mean it's easy.  And it definitely scares the heck out of me.

Common Core Confusion: To Test or Opt Out?

It's that time of year again.  Next week, children in grades 3-8 in New York State will start taking state standardized tests associated with the common core standards.  Several years ago, New York, along with nearly every other state in the country, instituted the common core standards.  The state of education has been a disaster ever since.

Nathan taught himself to read, write and started learning
math at age 2.  Common core standards have ruined his
love of learning

I'll never forget when Nathan started third grade, I had to go to the state's website and print out the entire third grade math syllabus.  I had to reteach myself third grade math!  I just couldn't understand why 5x3 didn't equal 15, and neither could he!  The reason?  Well, because according to New York State, 5x3 = 3+3+3+3+3 = 15.  If the child writes anything else, they get the answer is wrong!  5x3=15 WRONG!  5x3 = 5+5+5 = 15 WRONG!  The only acceptable answer is 5x3 = 3+3+3+3+3 = 15!  Don't ask me why.  2 and a half years later, I still don't get it!

In this Facebook post, I expressed my frustrating in trying to learn
3rd grade math along with Nathan!

Nathan started school when he was 18 months old and always loved it.  His beautiful autism mind is like a sponge. He doesn't care about making friends and socializing.  He cares about learning.  He's known that 5x3 = 15 since he was 2.  But since the day he started third grade, Nathan now hates math.  He doesn't love school anymore.  He doesn't HATE school (well, sometimes he does), but he certainly doesn't love it like he used to.

We opt Nathan out of state testing.  We opted out before opting out was cool!  There is no way we would put him through it.  I sent my opt out letter to our school district months ago.

In 3rd grade we let Nathan take the common core test.  This was his
reaction to his first day of math testing- he hasn't taken any state tests since!

Drew is completely different.  He is in third grade this year and still loves school.  He works hard on his school work, does very well, and takes pride in his work.  He totally "gets" the common core standards.  It works for him.  I never really thought much about the common core testing when it comes to Drew.  He's never expressed any concern or anxiety about the tests, but in recent weeks and months, the opt out rumble has turned into a roar.  Rob Astorino, the Westchester County executive, said he's opting his kids out, Betty Rosa, the brand new chancellor of the NYS Board of Regents, said if her kids were in 3-8 grade, she would "opt out at this time", and more and more parents within our own district and around the state have said they are opting out.

When the state announced big changes to common core last year,
I thought it could mean the beginning of the end.  It didn't.

So in the last few days, I finally started giving serious thought to what to do about Drew.  My husband, Jason, and I discussed it.  We agreed that there is really no benefit to taking the test- other than learning the important skill of test taking.  We also agreed that we don't want our child to be used to advance the state's education agenda, but we also decided to talk to Drew about it.  I assumed Drew, like most third graders, would be happy to opt out.  He wasn't.  He kind of freaked out, he said he's been working hard toward this for 3 years.  He said he's ready for the test, he's super-confident and excited about it, and he doesn't want to just walk away from it after working so hard.   I told him that a lot of his friends will not be taking it.  He said he didn't care.  I told him he may be the only student taking it.  He said he didn't care.

Whether Drew is working on a project for school,
practicing baseball, or discussing the presidential campaign,
he doesn't do anything half way.

Okay.  Well, I guess Drew will be taking the test.  I am proud of the decision he made.  Jason and I have raised a child who is an independent thinker, makes his own decisions, doesn't give into peer pressure, and knows how to follow through.  He understands that you have to work really hard to achieve your goals.  How can I tell him that after all his hard work, he can't take the test?  That's like telling him after all his hours and hours of practicing baseball he can't play in the game.

Let's celebrate all our kids!  Instead of creating
a one-size-fits-all education system,
let's teach kids the way they need to learn!

But I have a message for the next president, Governor Andrew Cuomo, the US Department of Education, the New York State Department of Education, the New York State Board of Regents, and the Elmsford Union Free School Board, even though one of our children will be taking the state tests, this is in no way an endorsement of common core from the Cook family.  Drew may be the kind of kid who wants to take tests, and who NEEDS to be challenged, but not all kids are.  There is no one size fits all way to teach.  Every child is different.  Every child learns differently.  We should celebrate that!  We should celebrate ALL children. Think about how boring the world would be if we were all the same.

Good luck fellow parents as you make your decisions.  It's not an easy one, but you know your child better than anyone else- go with your gut!

Just Because You Can't See It, Doesn't Mean It Isn't There!

Have you ever heard of an invisible disability?  There are some people who are in a wheelchair, and others who use a seeing eye dog.  You can look at them and see their disability.  But it's not always so easy to see.

My son, Nathan, has autism.  He is 10-years-old.  Sometimes, I imagine that people look at him and notice there is something different about him.  Sometimes he flaps his hands, or makes a funny squeaking sound, or runs around in a circle with no regard for what's going on around him.  But sometimes, he doesn't.  I don't know which is better.  I want Nathan to fit in, but I also know when he looks "normal" people expect more from him.

Nathan loves to swing.
Sometimes, I'll swing with so we can talk.

Yesterday, my husband took Nathan to a park while our other son, Drew, was at a class.  Nathan loves the park, and especially loves the swings.  But when they arrived, the swings were all taken.  So, they sat at a picnic table and worked on homework.  Eventually a little girl got off one of the swings and sat down in front of it to play in the sand.  Nathan jumped up and ran to the swings.  When he started swinging, he hit the little girl with his foot.  My husband chased behind Nathan and got there just in time to grab his foot so he didn't hit her too hard.  The little girl's grandmother was really upset and told my husband that Nathan was "old enough to know better" and insinuated he was too old for the swings.  My husband apologized and tried to explain that Nathan has autism and doesn't always understand all situations.  She didn't seem to believe him.  Jason truly felt bad.  I understand that the grandmother was probably upset, thinking her grandchild had been hurt.  But, it was an accident.  It sucks, but accidents happen at parks.  Kids get hit by swings.  It's not intentional.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened.  Nathan has low muscle tone and cannot endure a lot of walking, so we use a special needs stroller/wheelchair for Nathan whenever we go any place that involves a lot of walking.  People often give me a look like- why is this large child in a stroller???

I don't understand why we have to be so judgmental.  I hear comments like this a lot at Walt Disney World.  I especially hear people complaining about people who use motorized scooters or ECV's.  There are comments about weight., comments about people abusing the system, comments about them running people over.  Who cares why these people are using a scooter?  We don't know if they have a heart condition, or a bad knee, or are fighting some serious illness.  It's none of our business.

So, maybe if instead of assuming a child is old enough to know better, or wondering why an older kid is using a stroller, or shaming a person using scooter, we should give them benefit of the doubt.  Maybe there's an invisible disability, you and I can't see.  Maybe if we stop judging the people around us, the world would be just a little happier.

Oh, and by the way, you're never too old to go on the swings!

Understanding Feelings with Disney's Inside Out

Nathan and I love movies, especially Disney movies.  We have a "date night" almost every Saturday night- we make popcorn, climb into bed and enjoy a flick.  Our new favorite is "Inside Out".  We saw this movie last summer in the theater, but after he got the Blu-Ray for Christmas, we've watched it several times.  (Sometimes Jason and Drew join us too, but usually they watch one of "their" movies like The Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones or Star Wars)

Me and Nathan on one of our many movie nights!

While, our whole family enjoys "Inside Out", it really clicks with Nathan.   Nathan is 10-years-old and has autism.  Sometimes he has a hard time controlling his emotions and expressing what he's feeling.  It's also hard for him to understand that other people have feelings too and how you talk to people or treat them can impact their mood too.

"Inside Out" centers around an 11-year-old girl named Riley who moves from Minnesota to San Francisco with her family.  But the real main characters are the emotions inside her head- Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust and Anger.  You get to see how they interact with each other, when they "drive", and how other people react to Riley's different moods.  It also shows how our emotions help shape our memories, we remember things differently based on the emotions we were feeling at the time.

This movie has been a valuable tool for Nathan.  He now constantly talks about his emotions.  He will explain that when he has a meltdown, Anger is driving and Joy can't control him.  He told me that after a meltdown, Sadness takes over, because he's sad that he acted the way he did.  He says that when we ask him to do something he doesn't want to do-like eat off a paper plate or get off the computer- Disgust is driving.

I think for the first time, Nathan is also realizing that other people have emotions too.  In the movie, when Riley is eating dinner with her parents and starts to talk back to her mother, you see the emotions inside the mom's head start to wonder what's going on, then mom signals dad, who wasn't paying attention to anything.  The emotions in his head panic as they try to figure out what they missed.  After seeing the movie several times, Nathan now asks me what emotion I'm feeling and why.  The other day when I was feeding the dog he said "Joy is in control in Brewsky's head right now."

I also think this movie has a great message for parents.  We do everything we can to make our children happy, that's our job as parents.  But, it's also important sometimes for our kids to feel sad or angry or disgusted or scared.  Don't you feel better after a good cry?  Or a good scream?  Releasing those feelings help us to feel joy.  This has been a great lesson for me as we continue to deal with challenging behaviors and meltdowns- I can give in to Nathan and make him "happy" for now or I can push him and make him "angry" which will actually make him even happier in the long run.

There have been a number of articles written about Disney's "Inside Out" and how it has helped some kids and adults with autism.  It has really helped Nathan, and me.  But I also want to warn that it may not be suitable for all children.  There is a scene in which Riley runs away.  Be prepared to talk to your child about this, and explain that running away is never okay, and is never the answer.  This actually started a good dialogue between Nathan and me.  He has a tendency to wander.  When the movie showed how scared Riley's parents were when they couldn't find her and how scared she was when she realized what she had done- I explained to Nathan why he needs to pay attention to his surroundings, why he needs to make sure he's always with us, and why I get upset when he walks away from me.

If you haven't seen "Inside Out" or even if you've only seen it once, and you think your child is mature enough to handle it, I suggest seeing it or seeing it again.  Use it as a discussion starter.  Ask your child questions, let him ask you questions.  You might be surprised by what you discover!

Walt Disney World- It's More Than Just Rides

Whenever I tell someone I'm planning a trip to Walt Disney World (or that I just got back from a trip) the first thing they ask is, "How long are you going for (or did you go for)?"  When I answer with a week, or 10 days, I know what's coming.  Inevitably, the person will ask, "What are you going to do all that time?"

My answer.. a lot!  We love the rides, shows and attractions and of course the food, but there is so much more to do.  Every trip we try to enjoy "something extra".  We've been to Disney a lot, so if we miss a ride but experience something new and extraordinary we don't mind- we'll get the ride next time!

Drew dueling with Darth Vader at the Jedi Training
Academy in August 2012

In the past, we went on a special evening safari and dinner at Animal Kingdom after the park was closed, Jason and I had a private photo shoot with Mickey Mouse when we got engaged at Walt Disney World, and Drew has participated in the Jedi Training Academy at Hollywood Studios a few times.

In March 2014, the boys tried the Pirates League
for the first time

When we went in 2014, Nathan and Drew tried the Pirates League at Magic Kingdom.  It was fun, not only for them, but also for the rest of us to watch!  At the Pirates League, you can get a pirate or mermaid makeover.  It starts with getting your pirate name, then you're brought in where a pirate uses makeup to turn you into Jake (from Jake and the Neverland Pirates), Captain Jack Sparrow, Blackbeard, a skeleton or a mermaid.  They loved it so much, they had to go back during our most recent trip- and even Jason got in on the fun and got a pirate makeover.

In December 2015, all the boys got in on the fun!
Drew is in front, Nathan is in the middle and
Jason is in the back!

Your makeover ends with a photoshoot in a super top
secret location- so don't ask us where it is!!!

This is similar to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique in Cinderella castle in Magic Kingdom and at World of Disney at Disney Springs, where children can get a princess or knight makeover.  But at Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, only children can get makeovers- not adults and the Pirates League is much less expensive!

While we were planning our recent trip, we decided we wanted to try more new things.  One of the stand outs of the trip was the Family Magic Tour.

Our tour guide telling us Mickey Mouse needs our help

Walt Disney World offers many tours- some lift the curtain to show you what happens behind the scenes, others let you swim with dolphins and others show you how Walt Disney's childhood is brought to life in the Magic Kingdom.  A lot of the tours are geared toward older children, teens and adults.  The Family Magic Tour is geared toward children and families.  It was basically a scavenger hunt through the Magic Kingdom! The story changes often, but when we took the tour, our tour guide told us at the start that Mickey Mouse needed our help.

A lord and a lady helped us on our way!

Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas had stolen all of Mickey's Christmas presents and had hidden them around the park.

Drew checking out the map to find where we should go next

I don't want to spoil the surprise for other families- but our search took us around the park, we interacted with a lord and lady, met Peter Pan, rode The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, played follow the leader and even got to meet the big cheese, Mickey Mouse, himself!

Nathan asking Peter Pan for some answers

The tour lasted 2 hours, required a lot of walking, and was $39 per person- worth every penny in my opinion!  If you have been to Walt Disney World a few times and are looking for something different to do with your kids, I highly recommend this tour.

We skipped the line and went right on
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

It was a great time for everyone- especially Drew.  He was so into the mystery and solving the clues.  He and the other kids (there were 3 families in our tour) were running through the park hoping to be the first to find the "presents".

Our tour ended when we returned all the presents to
Mickey Mouse!

Since Drew loved the Family Magic Tour so much, we decided to try Agent P's World Showcase Adventure at Epcot.  Drew has always hated the countries in Epcot, and would whine the whole time that it was boring.  Well, not this time!  In this game, kids sign up to help Agent P (from Disney Channel's Phineas and Ferb) solve clues and catch bad guys in different countries around the world showcase.  Kids are given a phone and sent to a country-when they arrive in that country the phone will start giving you clues to solve the mystery.  While we were searching for clues, we were also learning more about the countries and interacting with the environment and getting an education.  Drew loved it so much, we added another Epcot day to do more missions in more countries!

We got all decked out for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party

It was also the holiday/Christmas season during our trip.  There are a bunch of extras during the holidays.  We enjoyed the popular holiday attractions like Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party at Magic Kingdom, the Candlelight Processional at Epcot, and the last year of the Osbourne Family Spectacle of Dancing Lights at Hollywood Studios.

We were glad to see the Osbourne Family
Spectacle of Dancing Lights before it
left forever

We also decided to try something a little different and a lot less crowded.  We went to Fort Wilderness- the campgrounds on Walt Disney World property- and took a one horse open sleigh ride.  (It's actually a horse drawn carriage that looks like a sleigh, because there's no snow !).  During the sleigh ride, we took a 30 minute ride around the campgrounds to look at the Christmas decorations.  The people who stay at the campgrounds go all out decorating their campsites for Christmas.  It was fun, Christmasy, and laid back.

Our "sleigh" was all decorated and lit up for Christmas!

So, we stayed for 10 days and planned to also try out the Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom game, but we just ran out of time.  We'll try it next time.  Speaking of next time, if you ask me why we're going to Walt Disney World for so long, you'll know why!  No matter how long I go for, it's never enough!  I'm never ready to come home.

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone!

Like all parents, I'm constantly learning.  Whenever my kids enter a new phase of life, I learn right along with them how to handle it.  This is especially true with Nathan.  As a special needs mom, I never know what to expect.  As I've written before, we've been trying to deal with some difficult behaviors lately.  Nathan has always been self-directed.  Nathan wants to do what Nathan wants to do when Nathan wants to do it.  If we try to get him to do something he doesn't want to do, he'll yell, hit, and curse.  He hates this as much as we do and it's starting to have an impact his self-image.  He tells us he's bad, he cries after a meltdown, and says he can't control himself.

We are working very hard to help Nathan
be more independent 

For years, Jason and I did everything we could to avoid these meltdowns.  For example, Nathan won't eat off a paper plate, so I carry plates in my purse.  He won't wear jeans or dress pants, so he always wears sweatpants, no matter where we're going.  He has no interest in making his food or dressing himself, so Jason and I make his food and dress him.  But something has to change.  He is going to turn 11 in April and we have to start preparing him for his teenage years and adulthood.

I know that I've been enabling him.  I know that a lot of the things he "can't do" are because of learned helplessness, because we do everything for him.  Why?  Because it's easier.  It's easier to avoid a meltdown.  It's easier to pick out his clothes and help him put them on before school when we're rushing.  Jason and I both work crazy schedules.  We both are doing the best we can to just get through the day.

We all have to change.  I have to change.  Jason has to change.  Nathan has to change.  Even Drew has to change.  We all contribute to Nathan's learned helplessness.  But, we're not doing it alone.  More than a year ago, I got Nathan's name on a waiting list with a behavioral psychologist.  We finally got him in last month.  During our first appointment, the doctor told us to prepare for a rough road.  She said getting Nathan to control his anger and to get him to be more self-sufficient is going to be hard work for everyone in our family.

Our appointments are excruciating.  We actually push Nathan to have meltdowns- by making him eat off a paper plate, making him redo homework that he did incorrectly, or changing plans at the last second.  Most of every 1 hour appointment consists of Nathan screaming, cursing at us, hitting us, and trying to run away.  But the doctor also helps Jason and me get through the meltdown without giving in.  She also helps Nathan move on after it.

Things have been mixed at home since the we started seeing the behavioral psychologist.  We are pushing Nathan to do more things for himself.  For the most part he's been pretty receptive to it and is very proud of himself.  But the meltdowns, when he has them, are much worse.  One day after an appointment with the behavioral psychologist, Nathan locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out- screaming and raging from behind the locked door.

In addition to Nathan's appointments, I am going to start taking a parent training class.  I actually found a class that will be held 1 morning a week for 12 weeks.  It's hard working nights.  There are lot of classes and workshops available for parents, but I can never go because they're always in the evening.

So, I'm continuing to learn.  It is not always easy.  Sometimes, it's really, really hard.  Some days are truly great.  All I can do is take it one day at a time.  I'll let you know how we do!