Get Out of Your Comfort Zone!

Like all parents, I'm constantly learning.  Whenever my kids enter a new phase of life, I learn right along with them how to handle it.  This is especially true with Nathan.  As a special needs mom, I never know what to expect.  As I've written before, we've been trying to deal with some difficult behaviors lately.  Nathan has always been self-directed.  Nathan wants to do what Nathan wants to do when Nathan wants to do it.  If we try to get him to do something he doesn't want to do, he'll yell, hit, and curse.  He hates this as much as we do and it's starting to have an impact his self-image.  He tells us he's bad, he cries after a meltdown, and says he can't control himself.

We are working very hard to help Nathan
be more independent 

For years, Jason and I did everything we could to avoid these meltdowns.  For example, Nathan won't eat off a paper plate, so I carry plates in my purse.  He won't wear jeans or dress pants, so he always wears sweatpants, no matter where we're going.  He has no interest in making his food or dressing himself, so Jason and I make his food and dress him.  But something has to change.  He is going to turn 11 in April and we have to start preparing him for his teenage years and adulthood.

I know that I've been enabling him.  I know that a lot of the things he "can't do" are because of learned helplessness, because we do everything for him.  Why?  Because it's easier.  It's easier to avoid a meltdown.  It's easier to pick out his clothes and help him put them on before school when we're rushing.  Jason and I both work crazy schedules.  We both are doing the best we can to just get through the day.

We all have to change.  I have to change.  Jason has to change.  Nathan has to change.  Even Drew has to change.  We all contribute to Nathan's learned helplessness.  But, we're not doing it alone.  More than a year ago, I got Nathan's name on a waiting list with a behavioral psychologist.  We finally got him in last month.  During our first appointment, the doctor told us to prepare for a rough road.  She said getting Nathan to control his anger and to get him to be more self-sufficient is going to be hard work for everyone in our family.

Our appointments are excruciating.  We actually push Nathan to have meltdowns- by making him eat off a paper plate, making him redo homework that he did incorrectly, or changing plans at the last second.  Most of every 1 hour appointment consists of Nathan screaming, cursing at us, hitting us, and trying to run away.  But the doctor also helps Jason and me get through the meltdown without giving in.  She also helps Nathan move on after it.

Things have been mixed at home since the we started seeing the behavioral psychologist.  We are pushing Nathan to do more things for himself.  For the most part he's been pretty receptive to it and is very proud of himself.  But the meltdowns, when he has them, are much worse.  One day after an appointment with the behavioral psychologist, Nathan locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out- screaming and raging from behind the locked door.

In addition to Nathan's appointments, I am going to start taking a parent training class.  I actually found a class that will be held 1 morning a week for 12 weeks.  It's hard working nights.  There are lot of classes and workshops available for parents, but I can never go because they're always in the evening.

So, I'm continuing to learn.  It is not always easy.  Sometimes, it's really, really hard.  Some days are truly great.  All I can do is take it one day at a time.  I'll let you know how we do!